Are you picky?

'You're too picky.'

What single person hasn't heard that before? People are quick to accuse you of being super-selective if you're less than snappy about getting ourselves hitched.

But let's be honest, most of us are picky. And is there really such a thing as being too picky? What do people expect? 'Well, you're not exactly what I'm looking for, but I guess you'll do.'How appealing.

We all have a list when it comes to whom we're attracted to. And, again, let's be honest many of the items on the list are physical. I hate to admit it, but I always had a hard time with men who were shorter than I was.

Which is why it's good to also have a few non-physical traits on the list, just in case you want to have the occasional conversation with the people with whom you hook up. For instance, I had other things like a sense of humour and gracious spirit on my list. As a result, I went out with some funny, kind short men.

Ultimately, you have to decide what you can and can't live with. If she's gotta be blonde and thin, that's your thing. Don't apologize for it. But if you're frustrated because you're not finding blonde, thin women, that's a problem. You might try adding a few other items to the list.

As a friend once said to me, 'It used to be that anybody with a pulse could ask me out and I'd say yes. Now, he has to have a pulse but he has to have some other stuff going on too.'

It's true that, as we get older, we have a better idea of what we want (theoretically anyway) and get even pickier. Chances are, you've dated enough people to know what you like and don't like and aren't interested in wasting your time on people you know you won't want to spend time a lot of with. If that makes you picky, well, so what, right?

Of course, sometimes what we think we want isn't necessarily the best thing for us. Sometimes, the initial chemistry is so overwhelming and our list suddenly gets a little more flexible than it should. 'Did I say I'd never date someone who tortures small animals? What was I thinking? This guy's perfect for me. I'm sure the animals deserved it.'

I can't tell you the number of friends who end up with people they never thought they would end up with. And many a time I've heard someone rattle off a list, only to sit down with them one-on-one to find out that what they're actually looking for is totally at odds with their list. So, it may not be that you're picky, it may just be time to revisit your 'list.'

Try this exercise:

* Write down everything you could possibly fantasize about an ideal partner.
* Go through you list and whittle it down to your non-negotiables. With each quality on the list, ask yourself, would I rather stay single than be with someone who doesn't have this quality. If the answer is 'no,' strike it off the list (maybe he doesn't absolutely have to love Neapolitan Mastiffs, liking animals in general might do).
* You should now have a short, hardcore list of important qualities you're looking for in a mate. Memorize it and leave it at home. That way you won't be tempted to pull it out and check off items when you're out on a date with someone new. And you'll be able to keep your wits about you when that hunk of a guy who is suddenly making your knees melt kicks your dog

Poem Cry

Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
A poem I write to reveal the cause of these tears
These tears that sipped out of the corners of my eyes
these tears that rolled down my cheeks,
my cheeks could hold no more.
As I got up to reminisce on the last time I dropped a tear
More and more tears rolled out
Why though do I shed this tear?
Why does my mind have to roll back the years?
One, two, three and the count continues.....
Why do I have to think of what the future would hold at that very moment?
Then it dawned on me- She made me cry!!!
Yes, you read right-She made me cry!!!
To look into her eyes and see her so genuine
So convinced that I was the one for her
I could not help but dole out the tears
realizing that I am no more who I am known to be
to become the one she wants to have
With sweat masking my skin
and her sweat pores unraveled.
We made love the way Romeo and Juliet did
we took our time, and time bide us well
With the gaze from her eyes,
fixated on mine,
my hands sure glued to her skin,
sweat had no way to differ.
I could care less about anything in the world
Like the world was just not more than a pinch of salt
We caressed and touched, not only to feel the warmth of our skins
but to send a message to our souls,
blow our minds apart and you can think no more
I had envisioned a more romantic setting,
with ambiance like in chick flicks.
candle lights beaming through the room
the wind blowing gently across the space that confined us
Love ballads playing slowly
lifting our soul and causing me to want to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
These tears have made me realize I need to pay the sacrifice for love
and get ready to enjoy the roller coaster it brings with it
Forgive me for the lack of my poetic ingenuity
but I write these words under the discretion of the beats of my heart
If I have been unconvinced and scared of saying," I love you"
now I say I love you
I love you for all you are
Love you for the moments we share
I cherish and adore your femininity.
I want to hold you close, dance with you under the rain
Lets get wet like in romantic movies
Lets lay on the road at midnight
Lets sweat under the sun,make love till time permits us
Lets cry when we get emotional
Tears that finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry

Written by Seun Okegbemiro

Ladies, Don't say it to him

It is funny how many relationships fail because of the most little things. One thing I have come to see as a major pitfall is how much do you say? Sometimes, avoiding a relationship pitfall is by keeping your lips sealed.
If you've ever said something to a guy and been totally shut down, you're not alone. Whether it was an innocent question or a simple complaint, women everywhere are saying things that spark a blowout fight or an icy brush-off. The reason? Blame biology.

"Physiologically, men respond differently to the feeling of being threatened. Their blood pressure rises, their heartbeat quickens, and they're more likely to have a fight or flight reaction," says Joy Tabakman, relationship therapist at the Centre for Imago Therapy in Ottawa. The good news is, the gap between how men and women communicate isn't as big as most people like to think, Tabakman says. "Men are really evolving in the way they express themselves. But it's important to remember to take ownership of how you feel about a situation instead of shifting blame. The goal in communication is to elicit compassion and understanding, not defense."

So before you open your mouth and accidentally wage the next Cold War, read up on the five things that guys hate to hear – and how a little re-wording can make a big difference.

"Your friends are idiots."

So your boyfriend's buddies are a bit moronic. If they're not rehashing last week's football game, they're talking about that legendary night at the strip club back in university – again. Try to stop rolling your eyes. "My relationships with my friends have highs and lows, but I don't like having a girlfriend discount the history we have – even when they can be asses," says Greg, a 31-year old in a long-term relationship.

A better way to deal with friends you don't like (or at least not yet) is to try to find some common ground, Tabakman says. Try saying, "I really want to get to know your friends better. Do you think we can figure out a way for that to happen?"

"We never do anything fun anymore."

Yikes – this one is pretty much the equivalent of saying, "You suck at being in this relationship." "This comment drives me nuts because when I suggest things to do, my girlfriend is too tired to go out, or our social calendar is filled with friends or family commitments. It makes me feel like I'm the unimaginative, boring person in the relationship, when really it's more of a joint problem," says Greg.

While the comment may be true, Tabakman suggests taking ownership of how you feel. "By saying, 'We never have fun anymore', you're putting the responsibility on your partner," she says. "Instead, you might try saying something like, 'I miss you. Can we schedule a date night?'"

Another tip: steer clear of words like "never" and "always". Putting things in absolute terms sounds more threatening and is more likely to trigger a bad reaction, Tabakman says.


If you loved me, you would..."

"Any kind of fishing around for reassurance about our relationship is really annoying to me," says Dale, a 30-year-old single guy in Montreal. Not only does this type of statement sound like an ultimatum, but it practically screams "Pay attention to me!" So why not just ask for a little attention?

"Saying something like, 'I'm really feeling like I need more of your attention' is a good way to state how you feel without shifting responsibility to your partner," Tabakman says. "Always begin these types of conversations by stating how you feel first, followed by a plan to work it out together."
"Your family is pretty dysfunctional, huh?"
This phrase will trigger a strong reaction no matter who you say it to, Tabakman says. "I said this to an ex-boyfriend in the middle of fight because I was trying to tell him that his family's dysfunction was creeping into our relationship," says Kim, 36. "But it only made him hurt and angry, and it certainly didn't help the situation."

It's no wonder this comment backfires. "As human beings, we want to know that our partners are going to be primary in helping us nurture our strongest relationships," Tabakman says. So what's the right way to tell your guy that his family has issues? Go easy, she advises. "Aim to say things in a way that's easy for people to digest, especially if it's something big like this." That means saying something like, "I know your family is important to you, but I feel like they might be affecting our relationship. Can we talk about this?"


"We can't afford that!"

It's true – you can't afford the ridiculously large flat-screen TV your husband just brought home. But don't flip out just yet, Tabakman says. "This kind of reaction is a real buzz kill, especially when you're excited about something," says Mike, a 34-year old who's been married for 6 years. That's not to say you shouldn't voice your opinion – just count to ten first.

"Often times we mask our fears and insecurities in anger," she says. Instead of screaming at your husband for being irresponsible, explain to him why you're so upset. "You might say, 'I'm happy that you're so excited about this TV, but I have some concerns about how we're going to pay the mortgage this month'," she says.

Can I forget about these things?

Turn on any daytime talk show and you'll likely find a story involving the deceit of another partner. Television embellishes for the sake of ratings, but in real life every relationship comes with its ups and downs. Finding a way to forgive is a necessary part of the healing process and it doesn't mean you have to condone or agree with the behaviour, says Toronto psychotherapist Dorothy Ratusny.

From disappointing to unspeakable, these five scenarios will help you decide how to respond to your partner's unpleasant actions.

1. He or she embarrassed you
A Thanksgiving dinner with the in-laws left Tina Remillard, 35, red in the face. Before the meal everyone was asked to share something they were thankful for. When it came to Remillard's turn she got a mental block and couldn't think of anything to say. "My husband kept hounding me, 'You always have something to say. What are you thankful for? Why can't you think of anything?'" Feeling upset and embarrassed, Remillard left the table. Later she told him she didn't appreciate being forced to say something.

Communicating your feelings of hurt and discussing what behaviour you tolerate is important, explains Ratusny. Establishing rules early on helps to create boundaries and avoid misunderstandings.

Bottom line: Forgivable. Little tiffs like this are common course to any relationship. The best thing to do is express your feelings and move on.

2. He or she forgot an important date
Consider the context. "If you know it's not really who they are and they're just going through a stressful time or they've been sick, that's different," says Ratusny. Give your partner a little slack if it was a one-time slip up, especially if it's at the beginning of a relationship. It's too early to assume they don't care or aren't interested. A one-month anniversary may not have even crossed his mind or maybe he is forgetful, but you aren't aware of that personality trait because the relationship is so new.

In other words if it's an isolated event it's probably nothing. On the other hand if you've been left waiting in a restaurant all evening and that's only one of many let downs you've recently had, it may be time to deal with the underlying issue.

Bottom line: Forgivable, but examine the whole picture. Does your partner chronically forget dates or was it a one-time mistake? And if you know he or she is absentminded, don't take it personally. Do some pre-damage control. Try throwing out some helpful hints close to the date or send out a reminder email. Nobody's perfect and you'll both be grateful when the time comes.

3. He or she lied to you
Admit it. You’ve asked your partner something you didn't want the honest answer to – like if he thinks you've gained a few pounds (when you know you can't fit into your 'big' jeans). Clearly there is a difference between white lies told to assure you and malicious lies told to hurt you. Telling the truth is the foundation of a good relationship, but sometimes it's necessary to hide the truth in order to save the relationship.

If you sense you're being betrayed or even catch your partner in a lie, speak up. The more open and honest you are the easier it is on so many levels. If you've got nothing to hide there is no reason to lie.

Bottom line: It depends on how big the lie is. A little white lie is forgivable, but a big, mean lie is not and you may need to reconsider the relationship or seek therapy.

4. Cheated on you (and/or accused you of cheating)
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. Emotional cheating can be just as painful as infidelity and both are symptoms of an underlying problem. If a couple is committed, moving on requires dealing with the real issue head on. Even if the couple stays together it takes a lot of work.

But what if you've been accused of cheating? Jennifer Andrade, 28, now happily engaged, previously had a long-term relationship with a man who made such accusations when he learnt she had been spending time with a male friend. "Being accused of cheating on him was almost as bad as if I had found out he cheated on me," admits Andrade. "I was devastated."

Bottom line: There is no cut-and-dry answer for this type of betrayal. It also depends on what type of cheating was committed - was it an emotional affair or was sex involved? Open up to someone you trust like a clergy member or a therapist who can help guide you through the difficult time. If it’s early on in the relationship it’s probably best to get out, but if you’ve been together for many years working it out may make sense. If you do decide to save the relationship, both partners need to be committed in dealing with the underlying problem.

5. He or she doesn't get along with your family/friends
It can be initially nerve-wracking to bring home your latest beau, but it's even worse if the welcoming is less than pleasant. When parents or friends dislike your partner it's often a warning sign. They can't help but look out for your best interest. "Friends and family are more objective," says Ratusny. "The family isn't going to turn a blind eye as easily and can spot a bad behaviour the person is overlooking."

That doesn't mean you should immediately end a relationship if the people closest to you don't love him right away. There are instances when parents have difficulties accepting the person because of their own personal issues. Ratusny had a client who disliked her daughter's live-in boyfriend, but after doing work in therapy with her realized it was more about her historical view of men and her critique of a certain behaviour, when in fact her daughter was very happy.

Bottom Line: Forgivable, with a caveat. It's not always easy for a new partner to get along with your family members and friends. But, you should listen to what your friends and family have to say because usually they are bang on in their observations. Whether or not you agree with them is up to you. If you and your partner are committed to being together then do so openly. Having a secret relationship – because of religious differences for example, is too straining on both parties. In these situations Ratusny usually finds the couple break up because it's just too hard to act underground. Be honest with yourself and receptive to your family and friends initial opinions, but follow your instincts. It’s your relationship, not theirs.

What is left of Arsenal

To the left is Pieter Vink who failed to give Arsenal a clear penalty at the Grove last week. To the right is Peter Frojdfeldt who gave Liverpool as generous a penalty as you’ll ever see at Anfield last night. Peters, why have you forsaken us?

Sometimes you need luck in a season and at crucial times we haven’t had any. You look at the penalty that wasn’t in the last minute of the Birmingham game, to me a decision which shattered us far more than the 4-0 capitulation at Old Trafford, and it’s difficult not to feel hard done by.

I know these things happen in football but that doesn’t really make it any easier, does it? The timing of the penalty last night was just sickening too. Literally seconds after the restart from our goal which had made it 2-2 on the night and given us the lead on away goals. Ryan Babel broke into the box, Kolo Toure was behind him, there was no push, Toure was obviously trying not to make contact, he did not foul Babel but the ref gave the penalty anyway.

After the decision that wasn’t given our way when Hleb was clearly pulled back by Kuyt last week it’s just horrible. Of course it would be wrong to blame the referees for our departure from Europe. As I said these things happen in football but I feel it would be wrong of me not to the highlight the fact that these two men are cunts. Supposedly top class referees getting big decisions completely and utterly wrong. It’s not just that which cost us but fuck me it played a great big part.

Having gone ahead early in the game through Abou Diaby we let Liverpool back into it from a set piece. Philippe Senderos lost Sammy Hyppia completely and the Liverpool man’s header went in off the upright. That handed the momentum back to the Mugsmashers after we had been dominating the game.

In the second half Liverpool again looked dominant without really threatening too much. We had half a chance when Eboue broke into the box but with so much time his brain froze and his effort at a cross wasn’t good enough. Then they went ahead, a long ball was flicked on by Crouch, Torres took it, turned inside Senderos and fired home a rocket of a shot to make it 2-1. While Phil was certainly at fault for the first goal I’m not sure too many defenders would have got near Torres for that one. How often did we see Thierry score that kind of goal for us? Torres is quality and you can’t help but wish we had somebody who could score that kind of goal in our side at the moment.

We threw on Theo and Robin van Persie to get the goal which would get us back into the driving seat but for the most part it was all Liverpool. Then Gerrard mis-kicked on the edge of our box and Theo took it and went on a scintillating run which brought him all the way into the Liverpool area, he squared it and Adebayor slotted home, making up for the sitter he’d missed about ten minutes previously.

Then the penalty. The sickening, horrible, bile inducing penalty that wasn’t. I mean what can you say about decisions like that? You’re at Anfield, a European fortress let’s not forget, you get yourself back into the game with an incredible goal and then that. Fuck me. I’m gutted by it, I really am. Not so much with losing the game but with how it was lost. I know decisions go against you in football sometimes but the two in this tie with Liverpool have hurt us really badly.

To add insult to injury Babel made it 4-2 on the night when we’d pushed everyone forward to try and grab an equaliser. Liverpool go through, they meet Chelsea in the next round, and good luck to them. If you were to give me the choice between them, United or Chelsea it’s them every fucking time. Of course if it’s someone foreign then I’m a foreigner for the day. Sorry, Mugsmasher!

Afterwards Arsene was reluctant to fully blame the referee for the result, saying:

It’s a dodgy decision, I believe, from the referee, but there was even a lack of concentration straight away after it went 2-2. They found Babel in the box straight from kickoff, and that’s where the concentration dropped a little bit.

However, he was obviously upset by the decision, especially in light of last week’s at home, saying:

It’s very difficult for me to understand because, for me, it was no penalty tonight. I watched it clearly - again - and last week it was a real penalty.

Still, he was clear that defensively we lacked something tonight and while I know people are going to point fingers at Senderos I don’t think too many Arsenal fans would argue that this is an area that we could strengthen in the summer. We’ve conceded too many soft goals in the last few months and both Gallas and Toure have had their moments too, so let’s not go overboard on Phil. Personally I think the manager has a big decision to make here, the role of Gallas as captain complicates it, but it’s something we can discuss another day.

So are there any bright spots? Well, I wanted Theo to start and he showed when he came on why he should. He’s pacy, direct, creative and in his 20 minute cameo offered more than Eboue in the previous 70. He might be young, he might be raw still but fucking hell he improves the team at this moment in time. The run for the goal was amazing, the sort of thing that announces you as a footballer. In a big, big game on the biggest stage he did that. Incredible stuff, well done to him, and the difference between himself and Eboue, who has produced nothing but one goal in a Carling Cup game a few seasons ago couldn’t be any clearer. He’s said ‘This is what I can do!’, he has to be allowed do it now.

As for the rest well I need to just calm down and get my head around things. We all know we’ve got some problems at the moment and with United coming up on Sunday it’s going to be another huge test, I just think the end of the season is the time to make a serious and reasoned assessment of where we are and what we need to do. There’s no point now when we still have games to play.

It’s the funny thing about football, isn’t it? The hurt. The first two-thirds of this season was just joyful, so incredibly enjoyable and promising, and the last third has been one disappointment after another, a couple of results/performances apart. So while it’s easy to lash out and feel aggrieved about this that and the other right now we can’t forget the good stuff either. It would be terribly unfair to do that in my opinion. And when I say funny I don’t mean haha funny. At all.

There was more bad news as well as we lost Mathieu Flamini in the first half with what looked like an achilles injury. It looked like Gerrard trod on the back of his heel so hopefully it’s a kick and a bruise rather than anything too serious.

The manager says the dressing room is ‘completely down’ after last night’s game. He’s got to ensure he picks them back up. As much as winning can become a habit and get you through the final stages of the season, so too can losing. He can’t let them dwell on the Champions League exit. As improbable as it sounds a win on Sunday would put us to within 3 points of United and after that you just never know. While there’s something still to play for, we can’t give up.

More tomorrow.

CRISTIANO RONALDO -THE MAKING of THE WONDER KID

I am not a big fan on this wonderkid. Maybe, mainly because he is a manchester united player but it takes all of the humility in me to accept that he is indeed a special player. He is a midfielder by trade, but he has managed to score 30 goals this season. Of all the contenders and winner of the FIFA best player award last year, he has not only continued from where he stopped last year but has taken a giant stride. The good thing though for rivals of Man United or Portugal is that, this is his prime.
PLEASE WATCH THIS WITH SOUND,ENJOY.

C.Ronaldo: The Story so Far from man united on Vimeo.

COMMUNICATE PLEASE

It is funny how difficult it is to either break a habit or start a new habit?Either good or bad? It has been clamored on me to change my attitude about communication. In view, I have always thought to myself that I was on par with the average person in how I communicate and how often I communicate. It has though become a major concern for me in recent time as my immediate family has seen this flaw, with genuine love are trying to help me change. Having realized it is a problem, I have to face and overcome right now, before it grows into an unmovable obstacle, an obstacle to affect my in the workforce and the global village at large. I am challenging myself from this day to contact my family everyday until I have achieved my objective of being communicatively competent. I appreciate my family, their intentions and love and will do this, if not for myself but for them, to show them that I love them very much. Until your actions show your intentions, your intention matters to know one. If you do anything that turns out wrongly, no one cares if it is done with good intentions

ENGLAND

Does it seem like England have found the one?Is this question too early to ask?Or how should it be rephrased?Is the new form, rather than name, the perfect criteria for team selection?WATCH THIS HIGHLIGHTS AND WE SHALL DISCUSS THEM LATER


England v Switzerland - Friendly from ben ben on Vimeo.

New year resolutions

Happy new year to you all and thanks for being ardent followers of my blog. I have decided to leave football today and talk about the season. The new year is a time people think of as a time to start anew and rebuild on their lives or build on what they have accomplished in the previous year. Many people start by making resolutions on what they aim to accomplish come the year end. I, in the past have always been a part of this ritual on this year. I have decided to stop making resolutions because I have noticed that resolutions sometimes are not the solutions to resolves but atimes are even a problem starter as many people aim so high with them and when they do not achieve, it makes them worse as they think they have underachieved. Many people start the year adhereing to their resolutions and as the weeks and sometimes months roll by, they stop the adherent. This has led me to stop this ritual and take each inadequacy at a time and work towards a solution. This is only what I think,what do you think?

Foreigners Solving the English Problem

It is funny how the English started the game of football and yet find themselves in a position where they are known as modern day failures. The only thing they do quite well is pronoucing their pride-From the way the overpraise their young talents, to the way they talk about the premierleague and even the press; Having finally realised the incapabilities of every single English man to take the mantle at Soho Square, they have turned to a complete outsider, to one who differs from the English way, to a man who is fierce in his ways and this man is no one but Fabio Capello. A italian with a grit for taking no nonsense and turning uptown boys who play football like fooseball and turning them to no nonsense players. Ask Real Madrid. They have come to realise that to achieve their dream of winning major tournaments they will need a fierce, unbiased hand of some gritty italian enemy. A complete foreigner.
To this end, I remember my blog on foreign quotas and also the F.A blabbing about how English clubs have too many foreign players. It is funny how the solution to this problem is not obvious and has to be solved my some 19 spanish immigrant who came to England to find greener pastures for himself. This young man is Cesc Fabregas. He made a comment saying that he had to come to England to make himself better and English players should follow suit. English players are the least travelled. Check any foreign league and see how many English players are there? Almost none and even the ones who left England have almost all returned home-Owen Hargreaves, Michael Owen, Jonathan Woodgate, Michael Ball............
In my pursuit for a better future, I had to leave my own country, Nigeria, to come to Canada. What is hindering English players from leaving. Even politically, the greatest nations are known to be the multicultural ones, ask America, Canada, France.....and even the Asians. There for me seem to be little wrong with the English game if only they can open their eyes and lessen their pride and ask for help. On this account, I shall talk no more
Happy new year