Are you picky?

'You're too picky.'

What single person hasn't heard that before? People are quick to accuse you of being super-selective if you're less than snappy about getting ourselves hitched.

But let's be honest, most of us are picky. And is there really such a thing as being too picky? What do people expect? 'Well, you're not exactly what I'm looking for, but I guess you'll do.'How appealing.

We all have a list when it comes to whom we're attracted to. And, again, let's be honest many of the items on the list are physical. I hate to admit it, but I always had a hard time with men who were shorter than I was.

Which is why it's good to also have a few non-physical traits on the list, just in case you want to have the occasional conversation with the people with whom you hook up. For instance, I had other things like a sense of humour and gracious spirit on my list. As a result, I went out with some funny, kind short men.

Ultimately, you have to decide what you can and can't live with. If she's gotta be blonde and thin, that's your thing. Don't apologize for it. But if you're frustrated because you're not finding blonde, thin women, that's a problem. You might try adding a few other items to the list.

As a friend once said to me, 'It used to be that anybody with a pulse could ask me out and I'd say yes. Now, he has to have a pulse but he has to have some other stuff going on too.'

It's true that, as we get older, we have a better idea of what we want (theoretically anyway) and get even pickier. Chances are, you've dated enough people to know what you like and don't like and aren't interested in wasting your time on people you know you won't want to spend time a lot of with. If that makes you picky, well, so what, right?

Of course, sometimes what we think we want isn't necessarily the best thing for us. Sometimes, the initial chemistry is so overwhelming and our list suddenly gets a little more flexible than it should. 'Did I say I'd never date someone who tortures small animals? What was I thinking? This guy's perfect for me. I'm sure the animals deserved it.'

I can't tell you the number of friends who end up with people they never thought they would end up with. And many a time I've heard someone rattle off a list, only to sit down with them one-on-one to find out that what they're actually looking for is totally at odds with their list. So, it may not be that you're picky, it may just be time to revisit your 'list.'

Try this exercise:

* Write down everything you could possibly fantasize about an ideal partner.
* Go through you list and whittle it down to your non-negotiables. With each quality on the list, ask yourself, would I rather stay single than be with someone who doesn't have this quality. If the answer is 'no,' strike it off the list (maybe he doesn't absolutely have to love Neapolitan Mastiffs, liking animals in general might do).
* You should now have a short, hardcore list of important qualities you're looking for in a mate. Memorize it and leave it at home. That way you won't be tempted to pull it out and check off items when you're out on a date with someone new. And you'll be able to keep your wits about you when that hunk of a guy who is suddenly making your knees melt kicks your dog

Poem Cry

Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
A poem I write to reveal the cause of these tears
These tears that sipped out of the corners of my eyes
these tears that rolled down my cheeks,
my cheeks could hold no more.
As I got up to reminisce on the last time I dropped a tear
More and more tears rolled out
Why though do I shed this tear?
Why does my mind have to roll back the years?
One, two, three and the count continues.....
Why do I have to think of what the future would hold at that very moment?
Then it dawned on me- She made me cry!!!
Yes, you read right-She made me cry!!!
To look into her eyes and see her so genuine
So convinced that I was the one for her
I could not help but dole out the tears
realizing that I am no more who I am known to be
to become the one she wants to have
With sweat masking my skin
and her sweat pores unraveled.
We made love the way Romeo and Juliet did
we took our time, and time bide us well
With the gaze from her eyes,
fixated on mine,
my hands sure glued to her skin,
sweat had no way to differ.
I could care less about anything in the world
Like the world was just not more than a pinch of salt
We caressed and touched, not only to feel the warmth of our skins
but to send a message to our souls,
blow our minds apart and you can think no more
I had envisioned a more romantic setting,
with ambiance like in chick flicks.
candle lights beaming through the room
the wind blowing gently across the space that confined us
Love ballads playing slowly
lifting our soul and causing me to want to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
These tears have made me realize I need to pay the sacrifice for love
and get ready to enjoy the roller coaster it brings with it
Forgive me for the lack of my poetic ingenuity
but I write these words under the discretion of the beats of my heart
If I have been unconvinced and scared of saying," I love you"
now I say I love you
I love you for all you are
Love you for the moments we share
I cherish and adore your femininity.
I want to hold you close, dance with you under the rain
Lets get wet like in romantic movies
Lets lay on the road at midnight
Lets sweat under the sun,make love till time permits us
Lets cry when we get emotional
Tears that finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry
Tears finally came down my eyes
so I had to make a poem cry

Written by Seun Okegbemiro

Ladies, Don't say it to him

It is funny how many relationships fail because of the most little things. One thing I have come to see as a major pitfall is how much do you say? Sometimes, avoiding a relationship pitfall is by keeping your lips sealed.
If you've ever said something to a guy and been totally shut down, you're not alone. Whether it was an innocent question or a simple complaint, women everywhere are saying things that spark a blowout fight or an icy brush-off. The reason? Blame biology.

"Physiologically, men respond differently to the feeling of being threatened. Their blood pressure rises, their heartbeat quickens, and they're more likely to have a fight or flight reaction," says Joy Tabakman, relationship therapist at the Centre for Imago Therapy in Ottawa. The good news is, the gap between how men and women communicate isn't as big as most people like to think, Tabakman says. "Men are really evolving in the way they express themselves. But it's important to remember to take ownership of how you feel about a situation instead of shifting blame. The goal in communication is to elicit compassion and understanding, not defense."

So before you open your mouth and accidentally wage the next Cold War, read up on the five things that guys hate to hear – and how a little re-wording can make a big difference.

"Your friends are idiots."

So your boyfriend's buddies are a bit moronic. If they're not rehashing last week's football game, they're talking about that legendary night at the strip club back in university – again. Try to stop rolling your eyes. "My relationships with my friends have highs and lows, but I don't like having a girlfriend discount the history we have – even when they can be asses," says Greg, a 31-year old in a long-term relationship.

A better way to deal with friends you don't like (or at least not yet) is to try to find some common ground, Tabakman says. Try saying, "I really want to get to know your friends better. Do you think we can figure out a way for that to happen?"

"We never do anything fun anymore."

Yikes – this one is pretty much the equivalent of saying, "You suck at being in this relationship." "This comment drives me nuts because when I suggest things to do, my girlfriend is too tired to go out, or our social calendar is filled with friends or family commitments. It makes me feel like I'm the unimaginative, boring person in the relationship, when really it's more of a joint problem," says Greg.

While the comment may be true, Tabakman suggests taking ownership of how you feel. "By saying, 'We never have fun anymore', you're putting the responsibility on your partner," she says. "Instead, you might try saying something like, 'I miss you. Can we schedule a date night?'"

Another tip: steer clear of words like "never" and "always". Putting things in absolute terms sounds more threatening and is more likely to trigger a bad reaction, Tabakman says.


If you loved me, you would..."

"Any kind of fishing around for reassurance about our relationship is really annoying to me," says Dale, a 30-year-old single guy in Montreal. Not only does this type of statement sound like an ultimatum, but it practically screams "Pay attention to me!" So why not just ask for a little attention?

"Saying something like, 'I'm really feeling like I need more of your attention' is a good way to state how you feel without shifting responsibility to your partner," Tabakman says. "Always begin these types of conversations by stating how you feel first, followed by a plan to work it out together."
"Your family is pretty dysfunctional, huh?"
This phrase will trigger a strong reaction no matter who you say it to, Tabakman says. "I said this to an ex-boyfriend in the middle of fight because I was trying to tell him that his family's dysfunction was creeping into our relationship," says Kim, 36. "But it only made him hurt and angry, and it certainly didn't help the situation."

It's no wonder this comment backfires. "As human beings, we want to know that our partners are going to be primary in helping us nurture our strongest relationships," Tabakman says. So what's the right way to tell your guy that his family has issues? Go easy, she advises. "Aim to say things in a way that's easy for people to digest, especially if it's something big like this." That means saying something like, "I know your family is important to you, but I feel like they might be affecting our relationship. Can we talk about this?"


"We can't afford that!"

It's true – you can't afford the ridiculously large flat-screen TV your husband just brought home. But don't flip out just yet, Tabakman says. "This kind of reaction is a real buzz kill, especially when you're excited about something," says Mike, a 34-year old who's been married for 6 years. That's not to say you shouldn't voice your opinion – just count to ten first.

"Often times we mask our fears and insecurities in anger," she says. Instead of screaming at your husband for being irresponsible, explain to him why you're so upset. "You might say, 'I'm happy that you're so excited about this TV, but I have some concerns about how we're going to pay the mortgage this month'," she says.